Seeing Without Believing
by Hobbit-Luvr
Summary: 4 Chapters Return of the King story without any slash. Set in the Houses of Healing. Merry and Pippin are dealing with some tough emotions in the midst of unsure circumstances.
1. Battle Scars

Ok, I do not own any of these characters because if I was, I would be making a lot more money that I do! Anyway, the song is from the extended version of The Fellowship of the Ring and the setting is from Return of the King so for those who haven't read it, or don't wanna know anything about it, don't read it! : P Anyway, hope you like it since it is my first fan fiction! :D ________________________________________________________________________  
  
Pippin hated himself. He was sitting in a quiet room in the Houses of Healing. The only other living thing besides himself was his cousin Merry, but he might not stay in the lands of the living for much longer. That was probably the fact that scared Pippin most.  
  
It was only a day after Pip found his cousin wandering aimlessly on the battle field in front of Gondor. It was a horrible battle and many were killed, so Pippin was overjoyed to find his cousin there. Merry was in bad shape then, but he got worse every second. The room the two were in was completely silent except for Meriadoc's shallow and shuddering breaths. The only movements he made were the faint rise and fall of his chest.  
  
All of the why and what if questions were eating Pippin alive. "Why did I go with Gandalf?!" Pippin thought getting angrier with himself by the second. "Why didn't I just stay with him?! If I never left this might have never happened!" "Or, what if something worse had happened, or something worse will happen! He could have been dead!" "He could still die." Pippin realized miserably.  
  
He still sat in the chair next to Merry's bed; he had been there for a few hours and was getting cramps in his legs. Pippin stood up, stretched, and pulled his chair closer to Merry's bed. He picked up his cousins hand and held it in his two smaller ones. Perigrin held the warm hand, not the freezing cold one. Not the one that helped slay the witching. He needed to hold the warm one, just so he could prove to himself that Merry hadn't left him completely and could still come back and be his normal self.  
  
"Merry?" Pippin whispered. He knew that he should have felt foolish about talking to someone who couldn't hear him, but he didn't. He just had to take the chance that Merry would hear him, maybe even bring him back. Without having him to talk to for, what felt like forever was horrible to Pippin and it made him feel better to feel like he was talking to him.  
  
"Merry" he said a little louder. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm gonna keep talking anyway." He gripped at Merry's hand a little tighter, but it still remained limp. "I need to you stay here; I can't go back to the Shire without you. It just won't be the same," he whispered fighting with the tears welling up in his throat. He couldn't cry. He couldn't loose hope, he hadn't so far so why should he now? Peregrin didn't know if Merry could protect him like he used to, but Pip pushed the thought out of his mind.  
  
Merry still made no response, and stayed as still as ever. The pain would be Pippin's own to endure.  
  
Pippin searched his mind for a happy moment between the two. Maybe Merry would be able to hear him, and maybe be reminded of what he has to come back for. They had had so many, how hard could it be? Pip just kept getting all the angry and sad moments, but suddenly Pippin remembered one time not to long ago though it felt like an eternity.  
  
"Do you remember the night at the Green Dragon Inn, a little before we went with Sam and Frodo on this adventure?" Peregrin felt a pang of guilt. Frodo and Samwise! He forgot about them and didn't even know whether they were still alive. Pippin continued despite his thought.  
  
"That song we sang, I still remember all the words..." Pippin mumbled, thinking back, remembering those good times. He truly realized how much he missed the Shire.  
  
"Hey ho to the bottle I go To heal my heart and drown my woe Rain may fall and wind may blow But there shall be. Many miles to go"  
  
Pip felt the tears coming, but continued on.  
  
"Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain"  
  
Pippin sang, his voice cracking and the tears rising in his eyes. His vision began to get fuzzy. "And the stream that rolls from hill to plain Better than rain or rippling brook"  
  
Peregrin felt the long unshed tears run down his face, but didn't try to stop them.  
  
"And a mug of beer inside this Took!' 


	2. Fog

*Hey, its me again, and thanks all who reviewed. I got some good ones, and hope you enjoy the new chapter!*  
  
"Pippin!" Merry called helplessly. "Pippin, I can barely hear you. Where are you!?"  
  
He was trapped in a thick fog which was everywhere he turned. Meriadoc thought he could hear his younger cousin's voice, but it sounded like he was getting farther away.  
  
Merry wandered around aimlessly trying to find his way out. The fog had to break sometime, didn't it? He kept hoping it would, but he had a horrible feeling he was wrong. He had no clue where he was, and no idea how he got there. Meriadoc sat down, not even sure what he was on the fog was so thick, but he didn't really care at the moment. He laid back, and began to try and think where he was.  
  
"Let's see" he thought. "What do I remember last?"  
  
Pip's cousin scrunched his face in thought and after a moment or two it came to him.  
  
"Of Course!" he said out loud, his words falling densely in the thick air.  
  
"I was just in a battle. on Pelennor Fields!" He was proud of himself, being able to think back, when it felt so long ago when suddenly another thought came to his mind.  
  
The King of Rohan! Merry would never again see him in the living world, and what of Eowyn? He last saw her so close to death, and he didn't know what he would do if the beautiful maiden left too. Little did Merry know was that he was on the line between life and death himself.  
  
"I know there was more after that. What else, what else!?" he asked himself, furrowing his brow and getting more frustrated by the second.  
  
Ah, I remember, I was walking across the field and had accidentally left the group of people I was with when Pippin showed up." Merry thought, smirking in happiness and sadness as he remembered Pippins face. "He was so happy to find me."  
  
"Then we walked through the gates of the city, and the fog began to close around me. Pippin was talking to me, but his voice was drifting away and everything was getting darker, I couldn't even see the fog anymore. Everything was black.." Merry said, his voice growing softer word by word, remembering back on the horrible time.  
  
Suddenly his thought was broken by what he thought of as Pippin's voice, faint yet clear as ever.  
  
"You can't go anywhere. I need you to stay here."  
  
The voice cracked, and it sounded like Pip was on the verge of tears. Merry sat up dumbfounded. The tone of the voice tore at Merry's heart, and he was beginning to get frantic. He had no clue what Pippin was talking about!  
  
Meriadoc got up clumsily and began running in the direction of the voice, not even knowing if he was going in the right direction. It sounded as if the voice was getting further and further away, but Merry couldn't let it get away this time. He kept running, stumbling on his own feet every now and again in his frenzy, and screaming Pippin's name at the top of his lungs.  
  
The voice was gone again, but Merry still ran, he couldn't accept the fact that Pip was out of his reach again! He had to get out!  
  
He ran for what seemed like hours, when he finally couldn't run anymore. He collapsed on his knees, trying to catch his breath. The fog was getting thicker, and it took a little more effort to breathe. After a few heaving breaths, he screamed up to the sky.  
  
"WHERE AM I?!"  
  
A thought suddenly came to him.  
  
"Could I be, dead?" He whispered to himself.  
  
"My hand! Of course! If I'm dead, my hand should be warm again!"  
  
Merry hesitantly reached down and touched his hand, it was still freezing cold and he had to rip his fingers from it before long. He tried to move his fingers, but they wouldn't move.  
  
He let out a slight sigh.  
  
"Okay, so I'm not dead, at least yet I'm not."  
  
Suddenly, he heard the voice again! This time, it felt closer and just hearing the voice made Merry want to die right then.  
  
It was Pippin, and he was singing. It was the song they sang at the Green Dragon! Merry couldn't concentrate on the words of the song though, he heard Pip's voice cracking. He sounded as if he was crying, and Merry wasn't there to help him.  
  
Meriadoc knew it was no use in running towards the voice, but it wasn't his mind telling him to run. It was just instinct and adrenalin pulling him forward until he couldn't go anymore.  
  
All of his energy was gone, and Merry didn't even try to keep going. He just collapsed on the ground, letting his own tears fall. They weren't tears for fear or sadness, just of frustration. Why couldn't he help Pippin! Why couldn't he just get out of here!  
  
Then, Merry felt tears besides his own on his face. When he reached to see what they were, and where they came from, but he only touched his own.  
  
"Pippin's?" he whispered to himself, as confused as ever.  
  
Merry sat, collapsed on the ground, still trying to think of a way out. A way to get back to Pippin. Pip needed Merry, and as much as that Merry needed Pip.  
  
Merry was trapped in his own mind. 


	3. Denying

Sorry I haven't written in so long. School work and stuff got caught up to me so I haven't had the time and urge to write for a while. Finally, I'm gonna start writing some more! Hope you like this chapter! Please Read and Review!  
  
Pippin lay his head upon Merry's chest. The only sounds that could now be heard in the room were Pippins harsh sobs. He knew he had to be brave, but he didn't know how he would be able to do it without the help of his older cousin, best friend, nearly brother. He felt Merry's chest move up and down as he breathed and it helped Pip calm down a little, but he continued to cry. Somehow, it made everything horrible in his life better and less confusing for those few blissful moments.  
  
The world was spinning for Pippin. Nothing that had happened in the last 24 hours, maybe the last year, had made much sense for such a young hobbit. The main things that kept him going were to prove himself, knowing that he had to help Frodo in the quest that he was so inhumanely chosen to complete, and the help of his mentor Meriadoc.  
  
A knock came at the door, and Pippin straightened up, still sniffing, trying to stop himself from breaking into sobs again.  
  
"Wh-who is it?" he asked, his voice deeply weighed down with the sadness unfairly brought upon him.  
  
"It is I Peregrin, may I come in?" he asked politely, and without the usual tenseness in his voice.  
  
"Yes, just a minute," Pippin muttered, wiping away the signs of his crying upon his face, his eyes still pink.  
  
Gandalf walked through the door, and took in the site in the room he had just entered. Meriadoc was set upon a rather large bed for a Hobbit and he looked quite small and feeble in the bed. Pippin was sitting on a chair, large for the young hobbit, just high enough so he could look upon his cousin's face and hold his one good hand. He could not see Pippin's face but he knew he had been crying, the traces of his tears on Merry's shirt and the sniffing he had heard outside the door. He felt a pang of guilt for this sad scene. Not to long ago had these two been creating average mischief together in the Shire, unknown to how horrible the world outside could really be.  
  
"How are you Gandalf?" Pippin asked quietly, not tearing his eyes away from Merry's calm face.  
  
"How could he ask me how I was when I should be asking him the same, he has been through so much in the last 24 hours!" Gandalf thought, but only replied "Fine, my dear Hobbit, and you?"  
"I'm alright." Pippin mumbled, not sure if Gandalf heard him in his moment of weakness a little ago.  
  
"How is he?" asked Gandalf, motioning toward Merry. He had an idea that he wouldn't have changed at all, maybe gone a little further away from them but he thought that he would ask anyway, trying to get Pippin to talk a little more. It wasn't too long ago when nobody could get Pippin to stop talking.  
  
"No better, no worse," Pippin replied, eyes tearing again. He couldn't cry in front of Gandalf, he had to act more mature!  
  
Gandalf walked up next to Pippin and took a look at Merry. He was getting paler and paler, falling into shadow more. They had to do something soon, or he surely would die. He couldn't tell Pippin that though, he could never know how close his cousin was to death. It would probably break the small hobbits fragile soul.  
  
"What if he did die?" Gandalf thought to himself, not daring to mention the thought out loud. Would Pippin be long to follow? I've never seen the two apart from one another before we ended leaving Merry and the others behind. If Merry were to pass on, Pippin may die and Frodo and Sam may not be able to pull him out of the sadness he was drowning himself in.  
  
Gandalf pulled himself back into reality, and set his large hand upon Pippins small shoulder, though he had gotten bigger in the last months, very large for a hobbit indeed.  
  
He could feel Pippin start with the touch of his hand, which made Gandalf a little uneasy. How on edge was Pippin since this happened? Had he gotten any sleep at all for a few days? Gandalf could feel that Pippin was on the verge of tears once again, and he pitied the poor hobbit. Nobody should have to go for this, and this was probably the hardest year in his young life.  
  
Pippin was trying so incredibly hard to hold in the tears, desperately trying to seep out of his closed eyelids, but he couldn't. His face turned into two miniature waterfalls, starting at his eyes and going down to his chin and dripping onto the bed. Gandalf could feel his body shake as the sobs over took him.  
  
Pippin stood up from the chair he was in and welcomed Gandalf's hug. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, but it couldn't be helped, he was so miserable that his body hurt with the pain inside him. His body racked with sobs, he dug his face into Gandalf's large robes and let the tears fall.  
  
Gandalf held him in his arms, rocking him slightly. Every now and then whispering kind phrases, like, "Don't worry, it will all be okay." and "Its all right, Merry will be fine." His pity for Peregrin grew as he felt how tense and scared the small hobbit was.  
  
"I'm, I'm so sc-scared f-for him Gandalf!" Pippin whispered just loudly enough for Gandalf's ears to pick it up.  
  
"It will all be fine," Gandalf announced, closing his eyes.  
  
Pippin's sobs quieted down, and became a small whimper every now and again. His breathing slowed from quick sharp breaths so slow and sleepy. He let Gandalf rock him back and forth slowly till the motion put him into a quiet and uneasy sleep.  
  
Gandalf set him in the chair beside Merry's bed, took one last look at the scene of the two hobbits, and walked out of the room, his robe blowing behind him. 


	4. Fade

Hope you like this new chapter. I liked it, but I want to know other people's thoughts! So please read and review! * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Merry was very confused. He had sat on the ground, just letting the tears fall for the last hour or so. He felt horrible, the sadness welling up inside him so high that he just wanted to let go, die and be free of this horrible and confusing place.  
  
"P-pip, wh-where are y-you?" He whispered up to the sky, but the fog sucked up his words like a vacuum.  
  
The fog was getting thicker and thicker around him. It was getting harder to breath and the sobs filling the thick air around him wasn't helping him breathe any easier. He tried to slow down his breathing, stop the sobs that were so hard to control, and take deeper breaths. How long could he survive if the air kept getting thicker like this?  
  
Meriadoc stood up, and began to walk around some more. Maybe the voices would come back, they were better than the never ending silence echoing through wherever he was. He wanted to hear Pip's voice again, somehow it soothed him, and though it wasn't always said, seemed to urge him to go on and not give up all hope.  
  
He walked around, but had to stop for a break in no time soon. He bent on his knees, and took some deep breaths. How long would he have?  
  
After a little, he felt the tears back on his cheek. He took his left hand, he still couldn't move the right one for now, and lifted it to his cheek. His eyes were not blurry so they weren't his tears, and he felt his face and felt no wetness. Was it still Pippin?  
  
Suddenly, he could hear Pippin so loudly and just to hear his voice made Merry's body shudder with a new wave of tears. Pip was crying, those were the tears he felt. His voice sounded so small and muffled suddenly in the thick fog and nothingness. His voice was weak, and so strained. Words couldn't describe how much pain this caused Merry.  
  
He fell onto his knees, his small body racked with sobs. He was crying so much that his whole body hurt, not only from the tears.  
  
"His voice..." Merry thought in between the sobs. "How, Why!"  
  
"WHY CAN'T I HELP YOU PIPPIN!" he screamed at the sky and collapsed to the ground. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't do anything. He couldn't stop the tears, and finally when Merry wanted the voice to go away, it wouldn't. It was as strong as ever, and it didn't fade.  
  
"W-w-why is this happening to m-me," Merry whispered to himself. He curled into a ball and rested his head on his knees. No more tears slid down his cheeks, there weren't any left to fall.  
  
"I can't stand any more of this," he whimpered to himself. "This is just cruel. I'm scared. I can't stand having to do this to Pippin anymore."  
  
Merry looked up to what he thought was the sky. He couldn't tell anymore what was up, down, left or right, it was either this way or that. There was nearly no way to tell that it was a fog anymore it was so thick. It looked like he was in a small, all white room in which he would never escape.  
  
He whispered to himself, "I can't do this to you Pippin. Maybe it'll be best if I just give up, and leave you to your own life. You can move on without me, you'll still have Sam and Frodo." He let a single tear fall down his cheek.  
  
The fog was moving closer to him. It seemed as if it new he was so close to giving up on it all.  
  
He knew how miserable Pippin was now, and he didn't think he could stand the pain it was giving him. He wanted to be free of the horror around him, the confusion, the unknowing. Pippin could get along fine without him.  
  
But then the thought struck him. How could I handle wherever I go without Pippin? I've rarely been without him, could I bear it? Then again, if I did, it would make it so much easier for Pippin, and that's much more important.  
  
Then he remembered Pippin's choking sobs saying "I need to you stay here" and his hopes rose. I have to stay here for Pippin, he decided Pippin.  
  
He stood up, and again looked at the grey/white wall that he assumed was up. "Pip, I'll hold on for you! I won't give up, I'll come back some soon. I swear to it!  
  
Though he had decided he was going to go on living, it seemed the fog didn't believe it so. It started closing in, it looked as if the walls entrapping Merry were trying to crush him inside. He could put his hand through the walls, but the air was diminishing.  
  
He didn't know what to do. His breaths quickened, and his heart raced. He couldn't let it all end now! He had to do something, yet something in him understood that his time was up. He would go somewhere new, and let Pippins life continue on a better path.  
  
He looked to the sky once more and whispered "I love you Pippin" and fell to his knees, gasping for breath. His vision was fading, everything was getting unclear. Or at least, all the white was fading to grey.  
  
"I'll miss you Pip" he proclaimed in his fading thoughts. I wish I could see you just one more time, but it seems as if everything has been against us since the begging. He felt himself fall to the ground, but could do nothing to lift himself up. His thoughts were only in shreds, and every now and then would form a new idea in his head.  
  
Just keep breathing he told himself. If I can just last a little longer, maybe something will happen.  
  
He fought to stay awake just a few moments longer, but suddenly the darkness overtook him. 


End file.
